A palliative care nurse asked dying patients what they regret in life, and shares her experience. The most common response was: "I wish I had the courage to live a life honest with myself, not the life others expected of me".
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ShareExpectations to live up to
Certainly, there can be many expectations to live up to. Writer Lena Andersson writes, in a column in DN, about the norm and social pressure that says "children are the meaning of life" and leaves no room for other ways of living.
Many have reacted to the column and some, like Linda Skugge, find it difficult to accept that not everyone wants to live the same (toddler) life as she does. Skugge writes: "Those who deliberately refrain from having children will regret it so bitterly".
Being honest with yourself
But was that what the dying patients said? No, they said that they regretted not living a life "honest with themselves". And that must be a billion different things: 10 children, no children, a cottage in the country, travelling the world, pursuing a career/love/ideology... So the question is, how do YOU want to live your life? And are you living it?
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Katarina in the Philippines says:
Very interesting!
Lena Andersson seems to think that it is only poor people who "have to sell themselves" to get money... I would probably say that internet sales are the prostitution of the rich, you buy over the internet, the web and the phone, which the poor can't...
Linda Skugge, I don't even have the energy to speak, is there a more judgemental person?
Cit " I wish I had had the courage to live a life honest to myself, not the life others expected of me." . So well put!
I have become more aware that sometimes you need answers to things that you don't even reflect on. This has become more apparent since I left Sweden. I have started to realise that my priorities and values have changed. Perhaps a new set of values is being formed.
01 September 2010 - 3:06
sara ♥ says:
Oh, I agree. it's a shame that there are so many "rules" about how to live. I think it's harder to find your own desire/path somewhere among all the "demands" and expectations.
01 September 2010 - 4:32
peter olofsson says:
Hi Oumberlige Peter again....he knows about The Loove Machine! 😉
Yes, I usually joke and make fun of most things, but I think those who read my blog may see through the facade many times.
Either you take life seriously or you see it as a big "joke" and that some possible God is the total cynic who created the misery! Because of course there is a lot of misery and so much fantastic too, as you show in your always readable and beautiful blog!
Being "honest with yourself" is really the essence of living, and also being honest with others. But how many people actually manage to do this?
As you know, my wife has been seriously ill for 17 years, not dying, but otherwise she has a tough life, which means that I also have/had it, now the children are grown so the "worst chaotic time" is behind us.
It is not always easy when one parent becomes seriously ill when the children are young and has to spend most of their time in hospital.
So how did we "survive"? Simply by really enjoying the "little things" in life and the few moments when everything was as it should be. Then reusing those "little moments", through photographs and talking about them a lot and planning for new "nice things".... even though those "little things" could be something as simple as "next Saturday when Mum comes home we'll have a nice meal and watch TV together all evening!".
But being honest with yourself is also about many other things, your own thoughts, work life, friends, etc.
Now I'm a pretty qualified asshole in many contexts and only hang out with people I like and I say that too!
From a working life point of view, "I probably have to crawl a lot" like many of us others...... does not always feel good but like so much else in life, you have to compromise sometimes! (smiles)
Yesterday I committed "Severe violence against myself and my values"...... I cut down 7 oak trees...yes, listen, seven beautiful, admittedly young oak trees that should have been allowed to grow and become stately and spread "beauty" and "power" for at least another 400 years.
All because a person with far too much money would make even more money...well, I can say that that person was not me! (smiles)
I would like to add that this "forest massacre" was perfectly legal!
This is a difficult subject...yes, not to cut down trees....but to live your life the way you want...you have to do the best you can!
Something that I think is important in life is the simplicity of seeing that "shared joy is double joy"...... as today when I once again link from my blog to your blog, such is important!
Best wishes!
Hugs from Oumberlige Peter...or was it Impossible...?
01 September 2010 - 7:40
admin says:
Katarina, I think changing and changing priorities and values is part of developing. It means that you are still open and take in new impressions and reflect on situations, your own and others', and develop from that. If you're not open to change, it's easy to get stuck in routines and think "the way you've always thought".
Peter, thank you for your comment, for the link and for the post on your blog! In my post I talked about living one's life honestly with oneself, which among other things is about making the choices you want, and not those that others expect from you.
You brought a perspective on how important, but difficult, it can be when you have a difficult life situation. And that is of course an important perspective!
I think it's important to try to be honest with yourself and make the choices that feel right, in all situations, but of course not all choices are open... Life is deeply unfair and you can suffer from illness, accident, poverty, etc.
Those most affected by this injustice are mainly people in countries other than Sweden, but of course we can't control everything that happens in life... You (almost) always have a choice in how to act and be, even in situations where your options are limited. So even then you can choose how you want to handle and face the situation. Even if the choices you have are sometimes small.
But in Sweden, many people have great opportunities. And yet it's easy to live according to other people's expectations, isn't it? Suddenly you get caught up in expectations of career, house, children and wallpaper? And what do I want for myself?
What will I regret on my deathbed that I didn't do? Hmmm, worth thinking about...
😉
01 September 2010 - 8:09
Elin Damberg says:
Came here via Oumberlige Peter, and am not disappointed. Thanks for writing about this.
All good,
Elin
01 September 2010 - 9:37
Viola says:
I, too, came here via Unnumbered Peter. I read everything he writes but rarely comment, we have another channel of communication.
How do you want to live your life? For me, I have lived most of my life. Looking ahead, I am living my life the way I want to. I have sometimes chosen to live according to my beliefs - which has not always been popular with those around me. Of course you have to take people and their opinions into account, but only if my actions interfere with their lives, and that requires worse actions than mine. It feels good not to have so much that I want to change. Something exists and with your post you have made me think - and hopefully, act.
Hugs and goodbye.
Viola
01 September 2010 - 11:00
Helly in Sicily says:
Wow, that was a thought-provoking moment, but at the same time I actually feel like that's kind of how I'm trying to live right now. Trying to be a little more selfish and not just do things to please others. Now I do not mean that I ignore my fellow human beings, but I try to give time to myself as well for the things I like. I actually think it makes me a better human being as well because it makes me so much happier.
Hugs and great post!
01 September 2010 - 15:03
Lena & Jan says:
That I did not refrain from buying so much "unnecessary stuff". I should have bought a motorhome the day after I got my driving licence, but I now realise (at 67) that I will never be able to visit all the motorhome destinations in the world!
01 September 2010 - 19:25
Joanna says:
Hi Helena,
I agree with you on everything!
Hugs from Johanna
01 September 2010 - 20:14
Johanna in Skåne says:
In recent years I have thought about this a lot. Like I don't have to work with what I've trained for just because I've trained for it. Had another job for a while and enjoyed it too, but felt that people expected it to be an intermediate step, something that I had to explain and defend... Felt strange to be placed in a box when I myself was open to many different things. At least I won't regret that year. See you tomorrow!
01 September 2010 - 23:37
eva says:
yes, on the one hand you should KNOW HOW you WANT to live, I've probably mostly spun around so far..loved travelling all my life and DONE it, Restless-seeking new destinations.different destinations for different ages in life etc..=still restless..but have at least "discovered" adventure education starting with Camp Change 2005,2006,2007..www.campchange.org..fast then they were in RAMSELE=now sold to Dalarna..BUT the former CC is alive in the form of a new name in Ramsele called camp ramsele..www.campramsele.se Going there on a course 13-16 September + AFTER that dian Forsknäckare ... would to knäckarna tomorrow but is in a POWERFUL cold unfortunately so NOT the time to swim in the river Vindelnälven....:)But Lennart was good and changed the date of my internship...thanks...!!! Then AFRICA in Dec/Jan...live,work,travel..live/work/travel...same track..but a little further and a little broader mixed with adventure education...YES!!! THINK this is what I want and now I'm running in the wind!!! have the best! Eva
01 September 2010 - 23:45
admin says:
Elin, glad you found your way here!
Viola, glad you found your way here too! Of course you have to consider other people. But on the other hand, you shouldn't forget what you want... But you don't seem to have done that!
Helly, just like that! All of life is an interaction with others, but I agree with you. I think you become a better and more generous person if you also do things for yourself. And the fact that you live your life in the way you want to is hardly the same as being selfish, is it?
Johanna in Skåne, I recognise that! The environment has expectations about what kind of job you should have... I also have friends who have had dreams of e.g. "opening a penisonate" or similar, while everyone expects you to study at university. That's interesting! It will be fun to see you tonight!
Eva, you seem to have really dared to try everything you wanted! Some people want to find what is "right" in life, but I think that different things can be "right" during different periods. Rather dare to try a lot of different things you are curious about, than steaming later ...
02 September 2010 - 8:40