Flight shame and coronavirus shame - the last two or three years have been the year of shame. While there is some merit in the fact that we humans feel shame sometimes, we now wonder if shame has gone one step too far.
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Being ashamed - and being ashamed
Being ashamed, or feeling shame, can probably serve a useful purpose. You realise that you are doing something that is not socially acceptable, and the feeling of shame pushes you towards changing your behaviour. If you pee in your neighbour's flowerbed while drunk, you (hopefully) feel shame and try to behave better next time.
'Shame' is a word that entered the Swedish language in earnest in 2016 and means 'to make someone feel ashamed'. By deliberately shaming others, you can try to get them to change their behaviour. Interestingly, instead of the state pushing people in the desired direction with rules or economic instruments, citizens can control each other by changing social norms and shaming those who do not follow the new norms.
Shaming - a problem?
Controlling each other with social norms is not always wrong. On the contrary, it is probably good that we do it to a certain extent. Because what would society look like if everyone accepted everything? Few people want a society where it is ok to throw rubbish in the forest, do drugs at work or walk naked in the streets. At the same time, there is something in that shaming that gnaws at me.
At the height of flying shame, it almost became a competition to see who could best step on others to elevate themselves. Although we probably all living in a way that consumes the Earth's resources too quickly, and although it is often difficult to compare the effects of different behaviours, it became popular to point the finger.
There were voices everywhere, idealising the behaviours they themselves engaged in and devaluing the ones they managed to avoid, in an attempt to appear sinless. There was also car shame, meat shame and multi-child shame.
Corona combs - the new shame.
The year 2020 has been characterised by a terrible pandemic that is taking lives, putting healthcare workers in unsustainable work situations, bankrupting businesses and putting people out of work. We can all try to help reduce the spread of infection by maintaining social distancing, washing our hands and cancelling activities that bring people together. And this is where shaming comes in again.
Again, it is probably good that we feel some shame. If we weren't ashamed of excessive social behaviour, we might not restrict it, which would be fortunate for the virus and unfortunate for the rest of us. But at the same time, how do we behave when we shame others? Are we back in the air shaming mode of idealising our own behaviour and devaluing everyone else's?
I read a thread on Facebook ...
Facebook is perhaps the ideal place for shamers and others who like to vent their aggression by spitting on their fellow human beings. I've touched on this before, when I wrote a post about "Why so much hate on the internet?”.
I read a thread started by a couple travelling in southern Europe with their motorhome. I don't really remember what the thread was originally about, because the purpose of the thread quickly disappeared in favour of aggressive shaming. One can certainly wonder whether it is wise to travel in the current situation, given that the infection is increasing rapidly and that restrictions are being tightened around Europe.
It should be obvious that there is some difference if you are already abroad, and that it may be more important to follow the restrictions of the country in question is not an entirely distant thought either, but such "details" are not something an angry shameful mob wants to deal with. Now they are free to unleash their inner demons in the form of exclamations like "idiots!", "egoists!" and "go home!".
Now I am ashamed of the shame
Adults usually get upset when children bully each other at school. I get more upset when adults bully adults, because they should know better. Of course we should care about the environment and try to reduce the spread of COVID-19, and of course establishing social norms should be part of that. But we should think twice before pouring out our anxiety, our anger and our jealousy in the form of ill-considered and dirty attacks on our fellow human beings. I hereby shame the shamers. Shame on you!
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Lena - good for the soul says:
Good post! There is some difference in how you express it, I think. Reminding each other (everyone can forget!) in a constructive way or maybe saying / writing how you yourself think feels okay, I think, and is adjacent to what you write about the good part of the shame. But to completely pour out a lot of contempt and anger is rarely constructive.
At the same time, I can also understand the despair of some (few) people. Those who are seriously ill or have relatives who are seriously ill and are terrified of being infected. And then taking part in the spectacle "in town" how people completely ignore the infection must be terrible! But as I said, a little constructive appeal is always best.
Hug Lena
07 November 2020 - 7:36
Helena says:
I completely agree that there is a difference in how you express yourself. Sometimes you may need to breathe a little before writing and pressing the publish button 😉.
07 November 2020 - 14:27
Anita Wag Agrimanaki says:
Great post! and regarding the corona comb and travelling, I think the "bullying" went a little too far on some pages on fb. First of all, I think most people who chose to travel by plane were incredibly careful, probably more than in their home country. I, who live on an island where we are dependent on tourism, probably felt a little that 1.if there are no tourists, many will basically starve and not survive financially until everything is over 2. Will the corona spread more with us with the tourists?
Maybe some people think that the country should have other sources of income to cope with a season without tourists? But, then the tourists can't demand the same facilities once the country opens up. Certainly there were tourists who were a little disappointed that much was closed and "dead" this year, but that's what happens in this situation and it will probably look like that next season as well because many will not be able to financially continue their activities. Wow, that was a long opinion ... Greetings Anita on Crete.
07 November 2020 - 9:09
Helena says:
Thank you for your comment and thoughts Anita! I understand that this leads to severe economic consequences for many, not least in countries where tourism is a major source of income. The pandemic has certainly brought many different challenges.
07 November 2020 - 14:29
Ama de casa says:
Good shame! I find it hard to understand why so many people are spewing hate online. Of course you can have different opinions about things and things but you don't have to be so in the north mean for it.
No, now I'll strip naked, go out and throw rubbish in the forest and on the way I can have a drink and then pee in some neighbour's flowerbed. So be it 😉
07 November 2020 - 9:55
Helena says:
Haha, that sounds like an exciting trip! Just don't forget the mouth guard! 😉
07 November 2020 - 14:30
Goatfish says:
We don't need people acting as police officers and shaming others, that's ridiculous.
It is true that one can be annoyed by the behaviour of others and that they do not follow recommendations and laws and contribute to infecting others, but ....
I think shamers feel pretty bad themselves, there can't be joyful energies inside. To go around being angry all the time.
Have a nice weekend 😀.
07 November 2020 - 10:13
Helena says:
Yes, of course you can react if people do not follow recommendations at all, it is important that you do so now. But the shaming on FB really goes out of control sometimes. Also wish you a continued nice weekend!
07 November 2020 - 14:35
4000mil says:
Agree, very sad attitude. I have read threads where 1 a person was completely shamed for a trip to Romania, where it then turned out to be a doctor on an important official assignment, as well as a woman with children who wanted to travel within Sweden "to the snow" recently and where it turned out that she was in the health service and had not been able to take a holiday all summer due to the pandemic and would now finally get some time off with her children.
More on the humour account: today our region's infectious disease doctor wrote a post on FB saying "Now it's not about what everyone else should do, but what you do".
And of course, all the comments on the post were of the type "people don't get it", "egotists", etc. You can't help but laugh a little, actually. 🙂
07 November 2020 - 10:22
Helena says:
Thanks for some humour about it all, it might be needed 😉 Yes, some are quick to shame, without even knowing the situation ...
07 November 2020 - 17:55
Evy Knoph says:
Good post!. I'm tired of the shaming... TUI, for example, cannot post an ad without getting a lot of pointers... the trips they organise follow the advice and recommendations that exist....
Thinking that as long as you follow advice and recommendations from FHM, UD, the government, you should not have to take shame from anyone... just gets tired....
If everything returns to some sort of normality eventually, I will be among the first to get on a plane to New York.
07 November 2020 - 10:41
Helena says:
I completely agree. You have to follow the recommendations from the authorities, but beyond that, people have to make their own decisions. Yes, you get tired.
07 November 2020 - 17:56
Lena+in+Wales+and+Spain says:
We have learnt what shame is even as children, when we have done something really stupid. Being ashamed is not always wrong, often you condemn yourself and your actions, which were probably quite stupid.
Shame, on the other hand, is when you impose something on someone else that you think is wrong, but that does not necessarily make it wrong for everyone else.
Don't like at all this mentality of shaming people, putting themselves above people, judging them, ancient. Something completely new to me and have not heard of this UK. However, we have many other strange things going on here.
I don't live in Sweden, so I don't follow all this, but I think it sounds terrible.
No more shame, but you can be ashamed when you behave badly.
Have a nice weekend!
07 November 2020 - 12:17
Helena says:
Interesting reflections! And interesting also that this is perhaps a Swedish behaviour. Wishing you a nice weekend!
07 November 2020 - 17:58
Monica says:
I totally agree that some of the internet culture is totally reprehensible. Calling each other "idiots" seems to be commonplace. Some threads degenerate completely and you don't think it's adults who behave like this. On the other hand, when it comes to people's behaviour in times of corona, I think it is perfectly in order to express - in a respectful and non-shameful way - if you have views that many people are acting completely irresponsible, ignorant and basically selfish. Travelling is, and has long been, downright inappropriate. What we now see as a frighteningly unstoppable European tsunami wave of infection is entirely the result of our inability to realise that we should avoid contact with others as much as possible. Both in everyday life and in our travelling patterns. How this should be done is repeated in all countries, in all languages and all the time. It can't escape anyone. And yet some people can't help but look at this lightly, can't control their desire to travel, believe that nothing will happen to them if they are "careful". Not even for a year can they think of putting their travel plans aside completely and simply staying at home in solidarity with their fellow human beings and especially with those who work hard in the health sector. One Facebook thread after another gives tips on the best way to drive through different countries in Europe, avoid controls, find places to eat and sneak into hotels. And people who are already there "in the heat" are cheering and saying "come here, it's wonderful, it's not so bad, it's just like normal". THAT upsets me and I don't hesitate to say what I think about this kind of behaviour. It has nothing to do with "shame", I don't think that those who do this even think they need to be ashamed but have the right to do as they wish. That's the big misconception - we are all in this together!
07 November 2020 - 13:28
Helena says:
Giving each other tips on how to get around rules and recommendations is of course bad. I totally agree! Of course you should follow the advice and recommendations of the authorities in these times. Extremely important! But beyond that, you have to respect that people make different choices, I think.
07 November 2020 - 18:01
Ditte says:
It feels like this is something that is quite Swedish. Jealousy and dissatisfaction control a lot, as well as the fact that the average person should take on a role as a "police officer" I do not have the "Face Book", nor do I want it, but I have understood from friends that very strange attacks and dissatisfaction occur in various groups.
I haven't seen this on Instagram, which is great, and I also think the tone of the blogs I read is good in terms of comments. But surely there are comments that are unpleasant but you can block them.
A thought-provoking post.
But why should you feel shame? If I do something wrong or have hurt someone, I apologise. But shame for travelling when possible or otherwise. Absolutely not. Completely incomprehensible to me.
07 November 2020 - 13:33
Helena says:
Yes, maybe this is a bit Swedish? I agree that the climate is better on both blogs and Instagram. It's mostly in FB threads that this kind of "drift" can happen.
07 November 2020 - 18:19
BP says:
An excellent and well-written post! I thought that shame had died out after airline and meat shame, but apparently not.
I do not have FB and again I am very grateful for that. Both Twitter and FB are unfortunately platforms where the tone is not as civilised as in Blogglandia. The idea of shaming someone is totally alien to me. And why should I be ashamed of spending my winter in warmer latitudes regardless of whether there is a pandemic? It's up to everyone to weigh up the pros and cons. If you prefer to live under much stricter restrictions in, for example, Spain, that is also up to everyone.
07 November 2020 - 15:31
Helena says:
Thank you very much! Agreed, the tone is much better in the blog world, thankfully. And agree. One should of course follow current recommendations from authorities etc, but choices beyond that must be up to each individual.
07 November 2020 - 18:21
Daniela+|+Discovering+The+Planet says:
Important reflection and indeed a necessary and good article.
07 November 2020 - 19:05
Helena says:
Glad you liked it!
08 November 2020 - 8:58
Fantasy Dining says:
Agree with you. 100 %
Great article ❤️
07 November 2020 - 20:40
Helena says:
Thank you for your kind words Maria!
08 November 2020 - 8:59
Cathinka - On the move says:
I completely agree. Being ashamed from time to time for things you do/say is only useful and makes you reflect a little more on your behaviour and maybe actually learn something. But I don't think that shaming others will actually lead anywhere, but only create a worse social climate and increased polarisation.
07 November 2020 - 20:42
Helena says:
Thank you for your reflection! That's exactly how it feels, not constructive but polarising.
08 November 2020 - 9:00
Ruth in Virginia says:
My approach to this is
Do unto others, as you want them to do to you.
I.e. Think about your fellow human beings!
And the old saying "A word out of place never comes back".
It's all too easy to press those letters and then...
SEND...
Another thought. Ditte is probably right that there is more going on in Sweden than here.
Most Americans don't take shame so lightly
Just think of our soon-to-be former president. Shame! What´s that?
08 November 2020 - 6:58
Helena says:
Interesting reflection! And haha, interesting comparison with your soon-to-be ex-president 😉.
08 November 2020 - 9:02
Across the board says:
Very good post! We ourselves have been told that we are irresponsible, disloyal and downright dangerous (to others) for driving down to Spain and living in our apartment and having a wonderful time here. They don't like the fact that we share our everyday life and that it is often much safer down here, apart from the hand sanitiser and disposable gloves handed out in the shops. It was not available at ICA, during the spring/summer.
However, I try to ignore this blame game and think a bit like Winnie the Pooh "If a person you are talking to is not listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a bit of fluff in one ear."
08 November 2020 - 8:55
Helena says:
It is a strange behaviour, and boring. You should of course follow the advice of the authorities and rules where you are, but often it is much more opinionated than that, and also in a very unpleasant way. Winnie the Pooh is wise 🙂 (Here there is hand sanitiser everywhere, including in our supermarket. They had disposable gloves for a period too, but I don't think I've seen it for a while, so maybe they took it away).
08 November 2020 - 9:10
Johnny Friskilä says:
Making others feel ashamed of their behaviour is nothing more than bullying/harassment/mastery techniques that you use when you actually have no argument. It is very sad to see how adults use this. Then the feeling of shame in an individual comes from something. Shame is a reaction. You know that you have done something wrong/inappropriate/not right. And people have different reactions. Some get angry if their behaviour is pointed out, some don't care, some are ashamed and some are totally shameless. No, there are many better ways to influence. But it's easier to bully and offend, unfortunately.
08 November 2020 - 11:17
Helena says:
Interesting reflection on the subject of bullying techniques! And how you are affected. For some people, criticism just seems to drain away completely, while others take it hard. Maybe you need to find a balance, not good to be too vulnerable, but maybe not good to be completely insensitive either?
13 November 2020 - 6:49
Travel Friday / Annika says:
Exciting thoughts, both in the post itself and in the comments - I'm happy to share this in the weekly sweep. Just wondering what the next "shaming" will be about...?
12 November 2020 - 16:45
Helena says:
How nice that you want to take up our post, thanks for that! And I agree that the comments are really interesting and worth reading 🙂.
13 November 2020 - 6:50